As I think about I recognise how very fortunate I was to have been born into a family where I felt such immense trust from birth. I was fortunate to have not only my parents, but my grandparents and aunt around who showered me as the first daughter and granddaughter with unimaginable love and security. I was taught to be independent and rely on myself at the early age of eight by going to boarding school which meant, looking after myself.
As I had never experienced lack of trust from early childhood I took it for granted until years later when I realised that life is not like that for most people. In fact, a large percentage of people I know building trust and clients that I work with were not so privileged to have had an experience such as mine.
I have found that people who did not experience trust from others find it hard to have self-trust as usually they do not have a paradigm around trust and what it means. This then makes the learning of self-trust more difficult.
Teaching people about trust building has been an interesting experience for me as it brings up the questions, ‘Why and What’. If we have not experienced something, knowing how to start creating it is very difficult as we live our lives as a result of the experiences we have had.
Self-trust comes from looking after self in our every day needs, speaking nicely to self as well as not needing the approval of others that we are okay. By nurturing oneself, in whatever way it means to the individual, is what we need to be able to do for ourselves.
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We are never able to trust another one hundred percent as they have their own life to deal with and hopefully they are looking after their own needs firstly. So, we need to find within ourselves the deeper level of who we are and what we stand for as a ‘being of love’.
We must learn the importance of trusting the one person we can always count on. That is ourself as only we as an individual can find the true meaning of self-love within.
I know people who have no idea how to trust anyone as their experience has always been of let-down. They will say that they realise that they are unable to trust themselves recognising that if they can’t, they are unable to trust someone else. I have seen some of these people have incredible friends who are there for them and who trust them, and for some unexplainable reason as individuals they are unable to accept the trust that is bestowed on them. I ask them, ‘do other people trust you and your word?’ Then if so, why do you find it hard to trust yourself?
Childhood hurts and pain are so deep within. And, only the person who is affected by these pains and hurt can change it by self-understanding.
Our perpetrators, who hurt, maim or inflict pain in any form, are only living out their life as they have experienced it themselves. We need to move forward in forgiveness of them and allow ourselves to recognise that they are a result of their previous experiences.
By breaking the cycle we can make sure it does not continue with our future generations.
By learning to support oneself with kindness and love we will increase our own self-confidence and the needing of approval. When one learns to love and care for oneself, self-trust will increase and a deeper connection with others will eventually come with time.
By practicing kindness to self without expectation of perfection we can create our own trust in survival situations and not give up which then creates our own failure.
Learning self-trust takes courage. It is something that has to be worked on and practised as one would any new skill. This is a skill though that will make our life easier and more fulfilling when it is mastered.
If you were not fortunate enough to have family, friends and mentors who modelled trust and courage by giving you positive messages about you and who you are, it is time to change where and with whom you associate. We are a reflection of who we have as friends and the people who are in our tightest circle as representative of who we are.
So, be aware as you will be seen by the company you keep. These are the people who do not support you, who undermine your dreams and are non-believers in you and your gifts. Avoid those who do not see the beauty and perfection that is within you.
Become your own best friend. Enjoy being with yourself doing the things that you want to do. Make a commitment to self and keep that commitment. A personal promise to yourself is as important as a promise to someone else. Are you a good friend to others? Are you the sort of friend that you would want?
What are the voices in your head? Are they gentle and kind or hard and mean? Do you speak to yourself with kindness or is it a reflection of what you heard when you were a child? We all make mistakes and wish we didn’t, but each mistake is an opportunity to learn and accept who we are as human beings doing the best we can. Learn to understand and love yourself for who you are without self criticism.
Being human often means that we have little or no self-compassion. We need to learn to be kinder to self without the high expectations we tend to put onto ourselves. We need to understand our own vulnerability and shame and learn how to overcome this, sometimes with help from an outsider who is qualified to work in this area.
If you want to have a full life with a significant relationship with not only yourself but with others, learning about relationships and how to have them is a foundation for future happiness.
Learning to trust oneself to be our best and not expect perfection can be hard for many people. I was fortunate to have a father who always said ‘If you have done your best, I can ask no more’. How wise he was as he allowed me to be who I was without having to reach his expectation.
Unfortunately, many parents have an expectation of their children, not understanding that their children are a combination of both parents and previous generations with different skills and talents. To expect a child to live your dreams, which usually were not reached for them, is an act of cruelty, from my perspective.
If you want to be trusted by someone, be self-trusting firstly. Self-trust is not about arrogance, but of knowing yourself whilst respecting and loving the image you see in your mirror.
We are all growing every day and learning to develop greater trust in oneself and others is an on-going experience. Daily we need to be aware of our own self-talk and listen to our intuition (gut) advice and judgements that make us who we are by monitoring ourselves more.
Learning to deliver as promised whether to our family, friends or clients is of upmost importance. This is what develops others trust in us. So, I ask you … ‘Do you deliver what you promise?’
People who know me and have worked with me in a business capacity know the importance I put on these things. I am very much a goal-driven person who does my best to do for myself what I want and expect. Of course there are times when this is not possible, but I do know, that if I promise to deliver something, it will happen unless my life is in danger. So, I ask you again, ‘do you deliver?’
I believe if people understand their strengths and work predominately with them rather than their challenges (weaknesses) they will achieve their goals and dreams, whatever they are. We all have goals and dreams for our lives and not reaching them, if they are aligned to who we are and our purpose, we have denied ourself and our reason for being here on this earth planet.
Unless we honour our gifts and understand what we are to do with them we are cheating ourselves and our reason for being. I see our gifts as God-given and thus something special that we are to share with the world.
It takes strength and courage to show our vulnerabilities. Do not be afraid to show who you really are as this shows your congruency and combined with self-love equals authenticity.
To have self-trust is to have self-love and self-honour. To be a leader you need to have a deep trust of yourself and be the light you are here to be.
Jennie is available for one-on-one sessions via Skype or in person.
For more information email her at email@example.com